Do you ever feel like this world isn't meant for you?

I try very hard not to be unhappy. One of the main reasons I try to educate myself and try to work a lot (apart from the fact that I'm addicted to it) is so I can escape this eternal sadness. But I keep coming back to this state of mind.

I really don't see the point of me being alive for my own sake, and I don't think I ever will.

It's gotten to the stage where nothing that anyone says will change that view. I feel like the only reason I have to continue living is because I have a responsibility to the people around me. I know I won't ever kill myself simply because of my evolutionary tendency to avoid death.

I don't really want to speak to anyone about this either, because I'm not sure if I really am depressed. I know this is my default state of mind, and it has been for the past many years. I'm unsure whether this is a self-fulfilling prophecy where I've become so comfortable that I continue to do things that'll cause me to fall into this state of mind.

It might simply be the fact that I genuinely don't feel like I have a truly close friend. The people I know truly respect me and appreciate me for who I am, there's no doubt about that. But there has honestly been very, very rare occasions where somebody will message me just to have a conversation. If somebody doesn't need a favour from me, it's highly likely I won't hear from them.

Maybe I just overthink a situation completely and come up with conclusions like the one above, or maybe it's just the fact that I'm seriously noticing that I'm f**king lonely as f**k (socially, culturally and mentally), whether I dare to admit it to anyone or not.

Or maybe I've read so much and continue to learn so much and have fallen for the paradox (?) of knowledge, where the world's greatest thinkers, the most knowledgeable human beings have tended to have a tendency of being unhappy. (In no way would I put myself in the same type of category as the world's greatest thinkers, but there is a tendency towards unhappiness the more a person increases his/her understanding of the world/universe/life around them and questioning the importance of their existence).

Maybe it's the fact that I'm in a constant existential crisis and knowing that my life will always feel meaningless to me. I could cure cancer, solve world hunger, prevent global warming, and cure all diseases. I could do all of that and more, and as much as I'd enjoy it, I know as soon as I'm done, I'd be back on my hedonic treadmill.

Maybe it's a vicious cycle where the chain of thoughts causes a negative feedback loop reinforcing itself as time goes on. Or maybe it's a combination of everything above and more which have caused a synergy-type reaction where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. A multitude of factors each playing their role in causing this state of eternal unhappiness.

I don't know.

I wish I was never born.